Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 44 funny dog quotes are by unknown authors. Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

"Lay down, pup; lay down," ordered the man. "Good doggie—lay down, I say."

"You'll have to say, 'Lie Down,' mister," declared a bystander. "That's a Boston Terrier."

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why.

"Well, my mother-in-law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome."

A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way in the establishment.

The waiter said, "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here."

The man indignantly claimed, "I'm blind! This is my seeing eye dog!"

"You're trying to tell me," said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"

"What???!" cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"

A piece of grass a day keeps the vet away.

All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Customer: "Has this dog a good pedigree?"

Shop Owner: "Has he? Say, if that dog could talk, he wouldn't speak to either of us."

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs are lousy poker players. When the get a good hand they wag their tails.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won't use it.

Every dog has his day—but the nights are reserved for the cats.

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages in being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when we long for the companionship of another being-a being who will regard one as a perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.

"So you're thinking of buying a dog?" she said. "I think it's a fine idea. Do let me help you choose one!"

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If you want the best seat in the house, move the dog.

If you owe a dog anything, call him "sir."

If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

In dog years I'm dead.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

One fine autumn day, Jim was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about two hundred men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Jim went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Jim. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Jim then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Jim thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

The man sighed, "Get in line."

Puppy Love will lead you to a dog's life.

Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Researchers have discovered that dogs can comprehend a vocabulary of 2,000 words, whereas cats can only comprehend 25 to 50. No one ever asks how many words the Researchers can comprehend.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

The first rule in successful dog training is to be smarter than the dog. Which is why some breeds are easier to train than others.

The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats and dogs!

The zoo is a place for animals to study the behaviour of human beings.

There is no snooze button on a dog who wants breakfast.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger notice a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

When a dog wags her tail and barks at the same time, how do you know which end to believe?

When it's raining cats and dogs, be sure not to step in the poodles.

When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long.

Whoever said "let sleeping dogs lie" didn't sleep with dogs.

Why own a dog? There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger.
While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.

One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny.
The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey.
The fifth one's delightful, the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live with a houseful of ease.

So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy but, oh, Lord the hair!
With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother, you've said.

They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's one more dog and just one more crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty.

The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair?
So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room,
And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.

There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
The vet and food bills grows larger, you owe BIG money.

Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other "dog folks" who live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too,
But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.

There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots.
And entries and travel and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite one comes and climbs in your lap.

His look says you're special and you know that you will
Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill.
Some just for showing and some just to breed.
And some just for loving, they all fill a need.

God, winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too.
But they must have their walks though they're numb and your blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out.

The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills,
The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.

Your life-style has changed. Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game.

You can't expect to be a "lucky dog" if you spend all your time growling.

You can't keep a good man down—or an overly affectionate dog.

You never realize a dog is a man's best friend until you start betting on horses.

A blind person walking down Yonge Street in Toronto commanded his dog to turn right to what he thought was the subway entrance. He had miscalculated and found himself completely disoriented in a dead-end alley. A passerby saw his dilemma and asked if he could help. 

"Yes, thank you," said the blind man, "I was trying to get to the subway." 

The man leaned over to the dog and said slowly and distinctly into the dog's ear, "Take... him... to... the... subway."

Unknown guide dog trainer, reporting the story as told to him

I've been in the hotel business over thirty years. Never yet have I called the police to eject a disorderly dog during the small hours of the night. Never yet has a dog set the bedclothes afire from smoking a cigarette. I've never found a hotel towel or blanket in a dog's suitcase, nor whiskey rings on the bureau top from a dog's bottle. Sure the dog's welcome. 

P.S. If he'll vouch for you, come along too.

Unknown hotel manager's reply to a vacationer writing to ask if dogs were permitted