Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 32 funny dog quotes are by authors whose surnames start with "S." Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn't excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.

Bonnie Schacter, Founder of the Single Pet Owner's Society Singles Group

That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food.

Charles M. Schulz

Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they will treat you like dogs.

Martha Scott

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Jerry Seinfeld

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Jerry Seinfeld

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

Jerry Seinfeld

Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog.

Ernest Thompson Seton

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

Gary Shandling

I like a bit of mongrel myself, whether it's a man or a dog; they're the best for everyday.

George Bernard Shaw

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.

George Bernard Shaw

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel but not in the kitchen.

George Bernard Shaw

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.

Mordecai Siegal

As soon as I arrive at the house, Laurie starts running, hits my chest, knocks me down, and licks my face. It's become a family ritual.

Beverly Sills, about her Welsh Corgi's greeting when she returns home

I will not "let the dogs out."
I will not "let the dogs out."
I will not "let the dogs out."
I will not "let the dogs out."
I will not "let the dogs out."

[Written on the chalkboard by Bart, as part of his punishment.]

Bart Simpson

I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.

[Written on the chalkboard by Bart, as part of his punishment.]

Bart Simpson

What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Bart Simpson

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.

Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Homer Simpson

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Bart: You're right. [Gets up and leaves]

Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Homer Simpson

Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.

Homer Simpson

It was dog food. Beef livers with onions in a can. You open it up and it looks like vomit.

Tom Sizemore

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts.

Frank Skinner

Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this—no dog exchanges bones with another.

Adam Smith

He had splendid conformation—broad shoulders, white hair and erect carriage—and was beautifully turned out in an ensemble of rich brown. One was inclined to hope he would, in the end, award first prize to himself.

Red Smith, on a judge at a dog show

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

Snoopy, in
You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

My dog can bark like a Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.

Gerold Solomon, US Congressman

Parrots, tortoises and redwoods live a longer life than men do; Men a longer life than dogs do; Dogs a longer life than love does.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"

Dave Starr

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.

Peter Steiner

Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them.

Robert Louis Stevenson, explaining how his Skye terrier Woggs dealt with being refused by female dogs.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's another thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Jeff Stilson

Labradors [are] lousy watchdogs. They usually bark when there is a stranger about, but it is an expression of unmitigated joy at the chance to meet somebody new, not a warning.

Norman Strung

Pray steal me not, I'm Mrs. Dingley's,
Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies.

[A lapdog's collar inscription]

Jonathan Swift