Funny Dog Quotes
To Give You a Chuckle

These 28 funny dog quotes are by authors with surnames beginning with "M," "N" and "O." Most will make you laugh or guffaw. Some will amuse you, and others will simply bring a smile to your face. But hey, a smile is always better than no smile!

I'm a lean dog, a keen dog, a wild dog, and lone;
I'm a rough dog, a tough dog, hunting on my own;
I'm a bad dog, a mad dog, teasing silly sheep;
I love to sit and bay the moon to keep fat souls from sleep.

Irene MacLeod

Yes, he's got all them different kinds of thoroughbred blood in him, and he's got other kinds you ain't mentioned and that you ain't slick enough to see.

Don Marquis

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Hardly any animal can look as deeply disappointed as a dog to whom one says "no."

Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

Whenever I hear a dog continually barking, my reaction is one of relief—that it's not my dog making all that racket and inciting the neighbors to call the police.

John McCarthy

I'm looking more like my dogs every day—it must be the shaggy fringe and the ears.

Christine McVie

"Say, what's the matter with that dog of yours? Every time I come near the water cooler, he growls."

"Oh, he won't bother you."

"Then what's he growling about?"

"He's probably a little sore because you're drinking out of his cup."

Mildred Meiers and Jack Knapp, 5600 Jokes for All Occasions

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

H.L. Mencken

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.

Spike Milligan

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.

Dave Millman

A pekingese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion.

A.A. Milne

Dogs never bite me. Just humans.

Marilyn Monroe

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Robert Morley

When I started driving our old four-door green DeSoto, I always took Skip on my trips around town. I would get Skip to prop himself against the steering wheel, his black head peering out of the windshield, while I crouched out of sight under the dashboard. Slowing the car to ten or fifteen, I would guide the steering wheel with my right hand while Skip, with his paws, kept it steady. As we drove by the Blue Front Café, I could hear one of the men shout: "Look at that ol' dog drivin' a car!"

Willie Morris, My Dog Skip

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.

Penny Ward Moser

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.

Sue Murphy

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

Chic Murray

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy.

Ogden Nash

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Ogden Nash

Dogs display reluctance and wrath
If you try to give them a bath
They bury bones in hideaways
And half the time they trot sideaways.

Ogden Nash

To Tom Carlson or his dog—depending on whose taste it best suits.

Ogden Nash, inscription he wrote on the second copy of his book for Carlson. Carlson's dog chewed the first copy.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

George Jean Nathan

Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.

Austin O'Malley

Dalmatians are not only superior to other dogs, they are like all dogs, infinitely less stupid than men.

Eugene O'Neill

No dog is as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome.

Eugene O'Neill, writing about Blemie, his Dalmatian

Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of a door.

Charleton Ogburn Jr.

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

Oxford Union Society, London, Rule 46